


Jeggings and a Very Small Cake

by kyaticlikestea



Series: Anthea; Assistant, Therapist and BAMF [2]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Cake, Crack, Crack Fic, Drabble, Ficlet, Humor, Humour, M/M, Romance, Texting, but he does, mycroft doesn't eat cake, naked greg is the best kind of greg, text fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-05
Updated: 2012-07-05
Packaged: 2017-11-09 05:55:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/452094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyaticlikestea/pseuds/kyaticlikestea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Texts between Mycroft Holmes, his assistant and Lestrade.</p><p>In which Lestrade attempts to persuade Mycroft to pass a very particular law. Cake, nudity and winking emoticons ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jeggings and a Very Small Cake

You know how you love me more than life itself?

\- DI Lestrade

 

If I say no, I presume there will be consequences?

\- Mycroft

 

I will end you, Mr Holmes. And not in the good way.

\- DI Lestrade

 

I was not aware that the verb ‘end’ could be used in a positive fashion.

\- Mycroft

 

You have a lot to learn about modern slang ;) anyway, back to my question. You know how I’m the most important thing in your entire life? Even more important than foreign policy and secretaries of state and your ridiculously enigmatic and attractive assistant?

\- DI Lestrade

 

Yes, Gregory?

\- Mycroft

 

Well, I think you should implement a new law in my name.

\- DI Lestrade

 

Really? May I enquire as to the nature of this proposed law?

\- Mycroft

 

Right, you’re going to need some context for this or I’m going to sound like an idiot.

\- DI Lestrade

 

I eagerly await it. I am on tenterhooks.

\- Mycroft

 

Oh, ha-ha. What’s your middle name, Sarcastic Bastard?

\- DI Lestrade

 

Yes, it’s double-barrelled.

\- Mycroft

 

There’s a surprise.

\- DI Lestrade

 

Anyway, right. Context.

\- DI Lestrade

 

So I organise this undercover operation, right, and it means that Sally, Anderson and I all have to wear civilian clothing, because we’re going incognito to this drug dealer’s flat. Anyway, we all turn up in our normal clothes, and Sally Donovan is wearing jeggings.

\- DI Lestrade

 

I see.

\- Mycroft

 

You don’t see at all, do you?

\- DI Lestrade.

 

No.

\- Mycroft

 

I bet you don’t even know what jeggings are!

\- DI Lestrade

 

I am not an ignoramus, Gregory. I am well aware as to the nature of what you call ‘jeggings’.

\- Mycroft

 

‘What you call jeggings’? EVERYONE calls them jeggings! What do you call them?

\- DI Lestrade

 

Gregory, rarely does the occasion call for me to refer to them.

\- Mycroft

 

Right, well, it soon will, because I want you to ban them.

\- DI Lestrade

 

Gregory, the legality of items of clothing is not, as you would term it, my department.

\- Mycroft

 

They’re a public health hazard!

\- DI Lestrade

 

I thought I was going to have to cancel the entire operation. My head was spinning. I felt dizzy. I could barely stand. Drug dealers would have walked free, Mycroft. Child rapists would have walked the streets. Murderers would start working in nurseries and illegal immigrants would start working in immigration.

\- DI Lestrade

 

All because of jeggings.

\- DI Lestrade

 

You’re looking at your phone with that look on your face, aren’t you? I can feel your disdain from here. I hope it’s aimed at the jeggings and not at me.

\- DI Lestrade

 

I am not looking at my phone in any particular way, I can assure you. However, I’m afraid I am unable to acquiesce to your request that I ban ‘jeggings’. There would be uproar.

\- Mycroft

 

Uproar is totally your department, though, right?

\- DI Lestrade

 

Not if it’s jegging-related, no.

\- Mycroft

 

Hmph. I’ll work on it. I guarantee that by the end of the day I will have persuaded you.

\- DI Lestrade

 

I sincerely doubt it, Gregory, but I eagerly anticipate your persuasive attempts.

\- Mycroft

 

Oh, I bet you do ;)

\- DI Lestrade

 

By the way, just thinking – am I still in your phone as ‘DI Lestrade’? I bet you £50 I am.

\- DI Lestrade

 

Not at all.

\- Mycroft

 

I am.

\- DI Lestrade

 

Yes, you are.

\- Mycroft

 

You should probably change that.

\- DI Lestrade

 

I shall ask Anthea to put it on her itinerary.

\- Mycroft

 

You have your assistant update your phone contacts? You really are lazy.

\- DI Lestrade

 

It was an attempt at a joke, Gregory.

\- Mycroft

 

Ah. Right. Sorry. Ha.

\- Gregory

 

I have changed it. You are no longer defined by your position.

\- Mycroft

 

I really want to make a pun out of that but I’m going to refrain because Anderson is in the same room as me and texting dirty in the vicinity of Anderson makes me sick.

\- Gregory

 

I bet I’m ‘Gregory’, though.

\- Gregory

 

Of course.

\- Mycroft

 

*

 

My dear Gregory, I’m afraid that if your best persuasive attempts amount merely to an impersonally delivered bouquet of roses, your ‘jeggings’ law will never see it to the House of Commons.

\- Mycroft

 

Oh, trust me. That’s not it. It’s only just beginning.

\- Gregory

 

*

 

Sir, pardon the intrusion, but there’s a small cake on your desk.

\- Anthea

 

A small cake?

\- Mycroft

 

Yes, sir. A small cake.

\- Anthea

 

Hmm. Interesting.

\- Mycroft

 

That’s one word for it, sir.

\- Anthea

 

Well, Gregory is attempting to persuade me to do something for him. In his efforts to do so, he has apparently forgotten that I do not eat cake, no matter how small. This is most unsatisfactory.

\- Mycroft

 

It really is very small, sir.

\- Anthea

 

Hmm.

\- Mycroft

 

How small?

\- Mycroft

 

Very.

\- Anthea

 

About the size of a small pear.

\- Anthea

 

Could you attempt a higher degree of accuracy, please?

\- Mycroft

 

About the size of a very small pear.

\- Anthea

 

I think you should come and see it yourself, sir.

\- Anthea

 

I am incredibly busy. I have dignitaries from both Hong Kong and China on hold and I am drafting an e-mail to the prime minister’s wife. I am afraid that I am unable to come and look at a small cake.

\- Mycroft

 

A very small cake, sir.

\- Anthea

 

You should definitely come and see it. I’m quite enjoying looking at it.

\- Anthea

 

Sir.

\- Anthea

 

What would you have me tell the Hong Kong dignitary? ‘I’m terribly sorry to terminate our important conversation, but I have to go and investigate a very small cake’? I’m afraid it is impossible, and, worse, impolite.

\- Mycroft

 

I’ll just tell this nice man to put his clothes on then, sir.

\- Anthea

 

I shall be there in just a few moments.

\- Mycroft

 

*

 

So? When can I expect the new law to come into effect?

\- Gregory

 

Ah, Gregory. I’m afraid that, no matter how persuasive your efforts – and they were persuasive – I am still unable to pass that particular law.

\- Mycroft

 

I turned up at your offices stark-bollock naked with only a very small cake to maintain my dignity! Your assistant was ogling me like... well, like a stark-bollock naked man with a very small cake!

\- Gregory

 

Perhaps you should attempt implementing the same persuasive techniques on the prime minister?

\- Mycroft

 

I don’t think his wife would appreciate it.

\- Gregory

 

No, but he would.

\- Mycroft

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

\- Gregory

 

I think that mental image might be worse than the image of Sally in jeggings.

\- Gregory

 

How was the cake, by the way?

\- Gregory

 

It was larger than Anthea would have had me believe.

\- Mycroft

 

Well, of course it was! I had to keep myself covered.

\- Gregory

 

It was too large for me to finish, I’m afraid.

\- Mycroft

 

Oh. Well, don’t give the leftovers to anyone. I don’t think they’d appreciate it, for obvious reasons.

\- Gregory

 

*

 

Sir, I’m terribly sorry, but I’m going to have to mark this document as ‘unsuitable’. No matter how much cake you attempt to bribe me with, I can’t allow you to pass a law banning jeggings.

\- Anthea


End file.
